I have discussed the importance of strengthening and creating intergenerational relationships, but usually, I’m talking about the relationships between boomers and the younger generations, the X’s and the millennials. One important connection, however, for boomer women in particular, is with the generation of matures, those women who are in their 70s and 80s right now, many of the first feminists who are also among the first to transition from work to “retirement” and to benefit from our increasing longevity.

How are they making this transition? What can we learn from those who are happy and healthy in their 70s and beyond?

I recently heard about the website 70candles.com, run by Ellen Cole (75) and Jane Giddan (76), as a place for women around 70 (approaching it or past it) to share their experiences, their hopes and fears and insights—their stories. What have they found to be the common factors in the lives of those most happy with who they are at 70 and beyond?

• Acceptance: Women who accept who they are, age and all, are far more likely to feel happy and fulfilled. This is a challenge for boomer women, who are from a generation obsessed with youth. But to accept who you are instead of longing for the past is an essential step—at every age, really—toward finding happiness in the moment. This doesn’t mean resigned to who you are. It means celebrating the wisdom, experience, and freedom of being an older woman—even reveling in being an old lady, or being one of my favorite terms, a Crone. Taking back the original meaning of the term, which was not a witch or a hag but a wise and powerful woman living above age, and helping others at the various crossroads of life.
• Connection: Without exception, the happiest women are those with a strong social network. As we age, we lose people—friends, spouses, colleagues. This makes it even more crucial for us to create and strengthen our connections with other people, of all generations, as much as possible. Also key is to connect with other women in your generation so that you can share experiences, hopes and fears, with people you know will get you completely, and so you can see all that is possible by mentoring and supporting each other into the Third and Fourth Ages of life.
• Action: As I’ve discussed on this blog and in my talks many times, the idea of “retiring” is an antiquated concept. And this is not just the view of boomers heading into the traditional retirement age in an economy that won’t allow many to retire. The generation ahead has already discovered this secret, that regardless of the economy, true fulfillment in your 60s, 70s, and beyond comes from continuing to live, to be active. This doesn’t necessarily mean working a full-time job. It can mean part-time work, consulting, community activism and volunteering, or starting a business on your own terms. It can and should be adapted to who you are specifically, not who you are supposed to be. But whatever “it” is for you, keep doing it!

What are your secrets to happiness and fulfillment as you age? How about the women you admire who are blazing this trail ahead of you? If you imagine yourself at age 70 and 80 and 90, what does that look like? Who are you and what are you doing?

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There seems to be a prevailing Noah Syndrome attitude in our culture; pairs are preferable – get on board two by two…

It is as if such a partnership is the only means to true fulfillment. Too often, if we are not currently part of a duo, especially around a time like Valentine’s Day, we may feel depressed, at a loss, or lacking in some way. And these feelings, added to “ages-old” stereotypes about growing older, like “older people are lonely,” or “senior citizens are has-beens who are no longer desirable,” despite their inaccuracy, can shake us to our vulnerable core.

But love and desire come in many forms. Though each individual experience of love cannot be easily or generally defined, the Merriam Webster online dictionary offers a few different descriptions, such as: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desire (affection and tenderness felt by lovers); affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests; and, warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion.

In addition to romantic love (whether a monogamous relationship or one with multiple partners), we can experience fulfillment in myriad other ways, including love of self, of our children (grandchildren, nieces and nephews, etc.), of animals (including our pets or a type of species, like koalas…), of friends, of nature, of the arts, of place…you get the idea. Though the sentiments and warmth accompanying these loves can occur at any age, for those over forty navigating the transitions between our youth, our middle years and our later years, and the precarious balance of connection and loss at these junctures, they may be especially poignant and rewarding.

A December 27, 2013 article written by Roman Krznaric and posted online  offers another perspective about different types of love and how they can enhance our lives. The author discusses the six loves known to the Greeks: Eros (sexual passion and desire); Philia (friendship); Ludus (playful love/affection); Agape (selfless love, extended to all of humanity); Pragma (mature love); and, Philautia (self-love). He shows there is value in being inspired to move beyond the youthful addiction to romantic love in which we see one partner as being the sole fulfiller of all needs and desires. Instead, by nurturing those six loves, we can be more connected with all of humanity and may discover we have a lot more love than we ever imagined.

I am still over the top in love with my husband of almost forty years. We are intensely aware that we are living proof of mature and Ageless Love. I also know that the awesome loving relationships I have with my children, superseded only by my grandchildren, plus my treasured family and friends, and the love I feel for my work and life passions, are ALL vital to my health, Heart and my Ageless Soul…

F. Scott Fitzgerald suggested “There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.”  As you step each day into your Ageless Future, here’s to recognizing the myriad ways in which the different varieties of love can rejuvenate, renew and ramp up your life. Bring something special to each day and each loving relationship. It’s true … what goes around comes around.

Other than in your romantic relationships, in what ways has love made your life (including work) more vibrant, peaceful, meaningful and/or pleasurably fulfilled?

Amazon #1 Best Seller Author of 11 books including The Ageless Way, Gray is the New Green, Visionaries Have Wrinkles, The Greatness Challenge and more.

Here’s one secret which I have learned over decades of exploring and adventuring toward success and fulfillment: “Having it all” (whatever “it” means to you, individually) can ONLY happen when you build community.

Though online connections have become commonplace, I still maintain that there is no substitute for in-person connection. There are many different types of communities where you can find (or create) such resources and support, including: a friend or group of friends/family; a professional or religious affiliation; a conference, class or workshop; your neighborhood or community center; a book group, etc.

What happens when you no longer have the burden of going it totally alone? You may experience an improvement in health and overall well-being, less stress, greater meaning, more ease, energy, manageability and pleasure in life. As an added result, you touch others’ lives and the positive effects get reflected into the world.

What is a good way to begin forming, or adding to, the interpersonal foundations which will ensure your desired future? Networking. And here’s another secret. Networking does not have to be nerve-racking, groan-inducing, or boring. In fact, it can be quite the opposite. Networking is not just about selling, the idea of which makes many people cringe. It is more about meeting others who are open to sharing passion and ideas and can respond with meaningful perspectives, support and wisdom. It is about expanding your genuine connections and enhancing, rather than detracting from, your confidence and achievements.

Networking is simply about meeting others so you can move forward with the support of your chosen community(ies). This will not only be more beneficial to you with your desired accomplishments, but it also makes life a lot more fun. Instead of being a stressful chore, when you connect with others who can assist you with your specific needs, you build your life’s tapestry in a way that is not only innovative and enjoyable, but something you will look forward to and want to keep creating (as well as fostering it in others).

It simply requires one person taking action to begin making that difference. And as with a pebble tossed in a pond, the ripples keep moving ever outward. I have seen real examples of community collaboration happening time and again, and have been both host and beneficiary of such connections.

~ Friends got together for a New Year’s dinner where conversation led to sharing and writing down goals for the coming year. Upon reflection a year later, the participants marveled at how many of those goals had been accomplished with each other’s encouragement. Out of this gathering came the creation of an annual public event so that other women in the region could also improve their lives with group support.

~ One person at a networking event shared information about a non-profit working to end child sex trafficking. A magazine publisher in attendance felt moved by the conversation and printed an article about the agency, which, in turn, inspired a group of readers to create a volunteer group to support the organization.

~ I was able to find the courage to embark on an encore career because I had a supportive community of family and friends.

All of us have something of value to offer, which, when shared, can result in a better life for ourselves, each other, and the world.

You, too, can begin creating, building on or joining a community right now to exchange ideas, companionship and encouragement. Having a sense of community simultaneously enables you to stay grounded while also being able to soar.

 What is your idea of community? Do you have suggestions for others to build theirs?

Anne Garland,“The Pollinator,” is known for inspiring events enabling women over forty to share support, ideas and connection. Garland is managing director of the Greater Hartford and Shoreline chapter of eWomenNetwork, whose aim is to assist women with finding ways to turn networking interactions into new clients while connecting with other professionals to enhance business success. Opportunities include in-person meetings, events and a 24/7 online community of professional women. Garland is also founder and creative director of Anne Garland Enterprises, based in Connecticut. Contact: 860-575-4970, AnneG@AnneGarlandEnterprises.com and ewomennetwork.com/chapter/Hartford, AnneGarland@eWomenNetwork.com.

Particularly interesting are the differences in how women and men view their financial situations. In Prudential’s summary of the study (“Women Are Taking on Greater Financial Challenges”), they report that 22% percent of women and 45% of men feel “well prepared” to make decisions about their finances. The data itself shows 37% of men, still a significant difference but perhaps more telling about the state of our economy.

Much of the gap in confidence between men and women can easily be explained by history. Men have more personal experience as the primary earners as well as more role models of other men in the same position. Many women today were raised by women who did not work outside the home, much less as the family’s primary source of income. And of course, even today, women still earn less than men for the same jobs. If this isn’t an obvious reason to have less confidence about making financial decisions, I don’t know what is!

Prudential of course recommends that women seek expert guidance in managing their finances. But just because they benefit from this advice doesn’t make it any less sound. I would take it a step further and suggest that women seek financial advisors with experience and perspectives that are aligned with women’s concerns and priorities. The chart I link to above shows that women and men tend to list the same top 3 priorities. But women list them in this order:

1. Not become a financial burden to loved ones
2. Maintain lifestyle in retirement
3. Make sure not to outlive savings

And men list lifestyle first, followed by not outliving savings, and ending with not becoming a financial burden to loved ones. The chart also shows that women’s financial worries rest primarily on the household, meeting expenses and avoiding or overcoming debt.

Whether women seek financial advice from a person, a website, or another source, the advice will suit them best if they look for an emphasis on ensuring their needs are met, both current and future. However, I also recommend that women take a good hard look at their beliefs surrounding money, for these differing priorities and concerns also reflect an ingrained tendency in many women to see themselves as greedy if they focus on their wants and not just their needs.

I go into this in more depth in “How Being Successful Can Save the Planet” and “Talking Ourselves Out of Success,” among other posts. Here, I just want to emphasize that we do not need to choose between fulfilling our needs and our wants, or between doing well and doing good. These are not either/or concepts. They are both/and.

In making financial decisions and in seeking financial advice, consider first those decisions that will meet both needs and wants. This could be simultaneously or it could be in an overlapping way, such as decisions that focus first on immediate needs but ensure that wants can be met as well in the near future, increasingly as needs are increasingly met.

Even more important, consider those decisions that will not only help you do good for your loved ones, your community, your world, but that will simultaneously help you to do well financially. The more successful you are, the more resources you have to help others. In fact, if you can intertwine your success with helping others, you can not only feel confident about the financial future for yourself and your family, you can join the visionaries who are creating a rock solid future for the world.

Karen Sands, MCC, BCC

Phone: 203.266.1100
Email: karen@karensands.com
Website: www.karensands.com
Address: PO Box 43 Roxbury, CT 06783-0043

Image credit: Dollar Photo Club

These historic first few weeks of July reminds us of just how much we have been through together, as a nation and as individuals, from the civil rights movement we honor because of Martin Luther King, Jr., to women’s rights, so much of which is embodied in Roe vs. Wade, the landmark Supreme Court decision made over 40 years ago. To this month where that same court passed legislation that allows same sex couples to get married in all 50 states and where we in the US celebrate our freedom that so many fought so hard to accomplish.

Only that isn’t what the voice of our society is focusing on. The problem is that instead of seeing what has been accomplished, in our present as well as our past we are quick to be offended. We are listening to respond. Instead of listening to learn.

These are words that I hope everyone can take to heart, not only in terms of where we are headed as a nation, but in terms of where we are headed as individuals, generations, personally and professionally. Now is the time to act on that big vision you have inside you, to act knowing it will be imperfect, to act on something so big that it simply can’t be carried out entirely in a lifetime or two lifetimes or ten. Nor alone on your own!

Millennials, early and late Boomers, and Matures—are becoming more vocal about putting aside the generational stereotypes and looking at the common ground.

The question then becomes not whether these generations will work well together but how, and what changes we are likely to see in the future of society and government as a result of the changing, more age-diverse face of tomorrow’s leaders.

The Age of Greatness won’t be ushered in by nations or corporations or even non-profit organizations. It will be ushered in by individuals, like you and me, acting on what moves us and discovering that the more of us who do so, the more we will resonate with each other across all generations. Collectively, what moves us will create a movement that changes the world, rippling out into the next 4, 40, 400 years  . . . and beyond.

 With those words in mind what have you contributed to the voice of society this week? Are you proud of what you’ve said or done? How would you change it?

Karen Sands, MCC, BCCPhone: 203.266.1100 Email: karen@karensands.com Website: www.karensands.com Address: PO Box 43 Roxbury, CT 06783-0043

In her Huff Post 50+ article, Women Over 50 Are Invisible? I Must Have Missed The Memo, Erica Jagger asks “Here’s an if-a-tree-falls-in-the-forest question: if society didn’t tell older women they were invisible, would older women still feel invisible?” She shares her surprise at another over-50 writer’s depressing acceptance/submission to the idea that women of a certain age have little value or appeal.

When something is invisible, it is unable to be seen, unobservable, the opposite of detectable, obvious, visible. Sometimes, as in films, comics and other media, invisibility happens through magical means (or like the Wizard of Oz, simply with the aid of a curtain) and can be a desired state.

I address this timely issue and perspective in my forthcoming newest book, The Ageless Way, as evidenced in the italicized excerpts below:

One of the biggest fears we have about aging is of becoming invisible, irrelevant to the world. Women, who are valued for their appearance first and foremost in our society, tend to feel this diminishment more acutely than men as they age.

The negative side of being invisible is clear to most of us. The world no longer seems to notice or care about us or what we have to say. We seem to lose our voice because no one is listening. Sometimes, we don’t even use our voice because we don’t believe we’ll be heard, so why bother? Being invisible contributes to the vexing problem of low self-esteem, robbing women of the confidence they need to stand up and make a difference.

But there is a positive side to being invisible, as Doris Lessing captures so eloquently, “And then not expecting it, you become middle-aged and anonymous. No one notices you. You achieve a wonderful freedom. It is a positive thing. You can move about, unnoticed and invisible.”

Lessing had it right that there is a power to being able to work behind the scenes and make change without worrying about our own egos. We have the ability to go with the flow of nature, of life, and the profound opportunity to influence others to make earth-shattering changes without anyone even realizing we are doing so.

Thus, we women must step forward today and act on our power to make a difference—through our votes, purchases, leadership, vision, and yes, entrepreneurial success. Striving for meaningful, sustainable, and profitable success is necessary if we are to have the resources and power to lead significant change—at any age and for all ages.

 The challenge is to balance the invisible and the visible, to know when we need to work behind the scenes and when we need to speak up and be heard—be present. We need to learn how to marry our invisible power with our visible, visionary leadership.

 We need to lead the way toward women being a powerful presence for change without losing the invisibility required to effect that change. I suggest we start by recognizing the power of invisibility in the first place and understanding that to be invisible doesn’t mean to be inadequate or without value or voice—just the opposite.

 Invisibility is inherently powerful. By understanding and learning how to use this power, we will begin to see more clearly the times when stepping out of the shadows will make remaining in the shadows the only way to shine a light on a future that matters, to all of us.

 In what circumstances have you felt invisible? Most visible? When have you best balanced being visible and invisible?

(NOTE: If you want to learn more about The Ageless Way, or to order an advance copy, please contact me at Karen@KarenSands.com)

(Image Credit: Photo by Clarita on morgueFile).